Who knew new Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly was a hypocritical shame to his Mustached American heritage?
Indeed, such was revealed to be the case as for the first time in his Major League career as a manager, player or fluffer, Mattingly’s team has a policy of no facial hair. The Marlins allowed players to have beards the past two years, but that changed under an organizational policy adopted after Mattingly was hired.
“Initially not too many guys were happy about it,” said fledgling reliever Mike Dunn, who before reporting to Spring Training shaved off his goatee, which according to biblical texts including the Dead Sea Scrolls causes angels in heave to die and fall to earth. “You can fight it, or you don’t. Obviously I shaved, so it’s okay”
No, Mr. Dunn. Discrimination against people is not “okay”.
Perhaps understanding that requires more than a 2–5 record with an ERA of 4.50. In fact, according to the American Bar Association and United Nations policies on civil rights, the move violates the civil liberties of Marlins players — even the non-American ones who are only marginally protected by the U.S. Constitution, particularly if Donald Trump is elected president.
Mattingly, strutting his former Mustached American empowerment, said he didn’t care whether players were allowed to have beards, goatees or mustaches, but supported the new rule.
“Guys will whine,” he told the Associated Press. “Some guys like it, some guys won’t. As long as we’re consistent, I think it’s not that big of a deal.”
Mattingly’s body of work is a rare case in Mustached Americana, in that as a player for the Yankees, while wearing a robust Chevron-style upper mouth brow, he failed to win anything beyond a rewarding case of herpes (although he should qualify for The Hall of Very Good).
In 1991, he was even benched for refusing to cut his Mississippi Waterfall-style mullet, suggesting his complaint was that the rule was not being enforced equitably among everyone on the Yankees. His results were similar during a bare-faced tenure as Dodgers manager — flirting with high expectations yet always failing short while guiding a team permitted facial hair.
For the often-embarrassing Marlins organization, the move marks a return to an era when the organization openly violated the civil liberties of its employees. The team previously had a strict facial hair policy in 2011, one that was abandoned under former manager Ozzie Guillen, a disciple of Joseph Stalin who is now institutionalized in Venezuela.
Yahoo! scribe Mark Townsend — himself a bare-faced mortal who does not accept a sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle — suggests the organization’s gambit might simply amount to nothing more than “a silly, outdated line of thinking that will fall flat and make Mattingly look more like a dictator than a manager.”
Either way, Mattingly has turned his back on an opportunity to celebrate his Mustached American roots and demonstrate the proven performance enhancing capabilities that come with lower nose foliage.
“The entire episode marks yet another dark chapter in the way the Mustached American community can often be treated,” said Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, chief executive officer of the American Mustache Institute. “But we will continue to fight for those who have no representation and firmly push our agenda, making the case of the power of facial hair and all that it brings to all walks of life.”